Infidelity - Why is it so bad?

What is it about infidelity that is so painful?

And how is it that it can be so painful in the first place?

Much of the pain of infidelity comes from the expectation that the person should be faithful in the first place. Maybe that is the root of the problem. Why do we insist on fidelity?

When you look at it from a historical perspective. If you were a man, being faithful meant that you agreed to be accountable for the welfare of a spouse. If you were a woman, it meant that you would not be adding to a spouses burden of responsibility by having him support children that were not his.

Much of that was steeped in the fact that the state did not enforce fidelity, and there was no birth control. It was very easy for men to shirk responsibility, and with no birth control, an unfaithful wife was very likely to have children at one point or another.

Since the state would not impose these rules, then the church stepped in and did it. Since they could not enforce it by law, they enforced it by the pain of hell, and therefore insisted on marriage vows of fidelity.

Expectations were set and society gradually got to the point where fidelity was the expected norm for a marriage. It made a lot of sense then, but has fidelity actually outlived its usefulness.

There is the old joke that dogs are better than wives because a dog does not get upset if you pet another dog. A truer statement would be that it is okay for your best friend to hang out with other friends and you do not feel the pain of betrayal.

I was in some anger management classes once, and learned something pretty insightful.  It is not the situation that causes anger, it is what you think about the situation that causes anger.  The corollary of this is that - it is not the act of infidelity that causes pain, but how you think about the act of infidelity that causes the pain.

If you were to look at the advertising of married dating site AshleyMadison.com, they would have you believe that everyone cheats. I am sure that is not fully true with respect to fidelity, but everyone has likely done something that they have promised not to do at some time in their lives. In a way that would be cheating of a sort, even if it is not infidelity.

With laws of the land ensuring that people continue to support their children even after a marriage break up, and with the advent of birth control, maybe it is time we re-examined the whole concept of fidelity.

I am not saying yeah or nay, I am just suggesting that maybe it is time to remove the vows of fidelity from marriage.  

Sonya

PS.

If you are thinking of some side action, there are many places besides AshleyMadison.com where you can find people to have your adventure with then check this out:

Married but Looking Swingers